Should a man tell his wife when he acts out?

/ Chuck Spicka

You’ll hear various voices talk about whether or not a man should talk to his wife about acting out when he’s on the road to recovery. Many of these voices argue that it’s in a wife’s best interest to not know too much or be burdened with the journey that her husband is still on, and that it’s wiser and better for all if he just shares this with male confidants. I don’t agree.

Here’s a response I sent to a guy who’s been in recovery for a while, who had some news I thought he needed to share with his wife, while two other men he knows (and I respect) thought he should keep silent:

“One thing we didn’t talk about: I’ve been evaluating what I think about men talking to their wives when they act out, regardless of where they are in recovery. I think it’s important in my life that I have nothing hidden, no secrets, no place where the enemy might break in and mess with me.

“It was the right call to not tell [your wife] the minute she walked in the door from [a serious medical situation in her natural family]. But at this point, I think you probably need to talk to her, and let her know that you talked to me and [a life coach/counselor] as well.

“Flip this around. What if a wife had a problem with spending and she talked to her girlfriends and her girlfriends told her that ‘you don’t need to talk to your husband about your last binge because he’s just had too much of this anyway and he will not be able to handle it from you and really you’re doing a great job, babe, everything’s fine.’ It would be a totally different process if in any area our wives were not completely honest with us. How would we feel about that?

“And listen. I know that you’re getting good counsel from lots of other people. So I’m cool with whatever you decide. I just recognize for me this has to be my process.

“To sum up, maybe don’t talk about it in the moment, but for sure talk about it because the goal is oneness and that means nothing hidden.”

If I could only read one thing

/ Chuck Spicka

Have you had discussions that start, “if you were stuck on a desert island, and could only have one _____ (book, tool, meal, etc.), what would it be?”

Psalm 145.  Short post, because I’d rather you go read the psalm.

The goodness of God.  His heart toward us.  His grace, compassion, kindness and love.  That he opens his hand and satisfies the desires of every living thing.  His faithfulness toward all his promises.  That he is near to all who call on him, that he hears their cry and rescues.  Read the Psalm and then listen to Shane and Shane’s version of it.

How could it change your life if you knew him for who he really is?

 

What to do when you wake up with a Bee Gees song in your head

/ Chuck Spicka

I never was a Bee Gees fan.  I never made an effort to memorize their lyrics.  I acknowledge their accomplishments; they just weren’t for me (and yes, I remember the release of Saturday Night Fever, for those that wish to date this reference).

Still, the other morning I woke up with the words to the Bee Gees “Emotion” running through my head.  “I dare not sing this aloud,” I said to myself, “or I’ll be singing this all day.”  But I couldn’t stop humming the chorus.

So what did I do?

  1. I acknowledged the power of my mind, granted by God, to retain information from 40 years ago which I had never truly focused on.
  2. I weighed again my responsibility to govern the content of what comes in my head, since I see that things unconsidered at their point of entrance, can still be stewing around in there.
  3. I marveled at the power of focus and of choice, and thought, if I can continue to be intentional about what I take in, then I can be sure that my subconscious and my spirit will continue to sift and chew on the content, to my good.
  4. I thought about the laws of the harvest: that I will reap what I sow, that I will reap later than I sow, and that I will reap more than I sow.  And I want that compounding effect working in my favor.

There’s a Chinese proverb (attributed to Lao Tzu) that says, “the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, the second best time is today.”  What are you planting in your mind now, and what are you hoping to grow?

These thoughts helped me process the song, although I confess, I did finally cave and sing out loud, in my best falsetto voice, “it’s just emotion that’s taken me over…”

Love people thru the stoopid

/ Chuck Spicka

I hate to admit it, but it’s true.  There are portions of my life where I was such a dumb ass, I don’t really know how I made it thru.

Probably:
1. the grace of God, and
2. people who kept loving me in spite of my behavior, arrogance, stubbornness & repeated bad choices.

Having been thru this, and then being giving the gift of getting to pour into other people, Jana and I (mostly Jana), coined the phrase – “loving people thru the stupid.”  (I doubt she spells it with two “o”s like I like to).

People can have a very small “yes”, a fledgling “want to” about making change in their life.  And guess what, lots of times they’re going to fail again, do the same behaviors you recommended they NOT do, and at times you’re wondering, “Why do I bother?”

Answer:
1. you undoubtedly needed the same grace to get where you are.
2. People are worth it
3. Without support structures, they’ll never make it.

Be wise where you apply the rule, and, be generous with your strength, belief and affection.

Gratitude, Expectation, Resentment

/ Chuck Spicka

My friend Dan Riley taught me, probably 25 years ago, a valuable lesson about the drift from Gratitude, to Expectation, to Resentment.

Let’s say you’re standing on the street corner, and someone walks up to you and hands you $100.  “Wow.  Thanks.”  You’re grateful.  Totally unexpected.  What a gift.

The next day, you’re at the same corner, same thing happens.  Still grateful, but you’re thinking, “You know what, I’m coming here tomorrow at the same time.”

So you show up the next day.  A little early.  Expectation.  And, sure enough…  $100.

This goes on for a little while, same corner, same $100.

And then, one day, your benefactor is late.
Or doesn’t show.
Kind of ticks you off.
“Where’s my $100?”

Brian Buffini says, “Everything you complain about is something you think you’re entitled to.”

Remember that all of it is a gift.

Change

/ Chuck Spicka

“If you think what exists today is permanent and forever true, you will inevitably have your head handed to you.”  I wish I could remember where I heard that — thank you, mystery sage, for this piece of wisdom you handed to me.

Most of us don’t like change, yet change is, like death and taxes, one of the sure and constant things in our lives.

What can you do about it?

  1. Be present.  Stop looking at the past thinking about what you coulda, shoulda, woulda done.  Stop fretting about the future or worrying about the things that haven’t yet happened.  Be where you are, with the people you’re with, making the most of every situation.
  2. Chip away at your comfort zone.  People often talk about breaking our comfort zone, and that’s great, but our comfort zones are happy little places for us.  How about today, just make one more call, give a little more, pay it forward to someone, take a small step in a new direction.  Momentum is created by small, consistent behavior over time.
  3. Accept that things are going to change.  Make the most of the current opportunity you find yourself in.  This doesn’t mean an anvil is about to fall on your head if things are going well.  It just means today is a gift & you might want to maximize it.  And if things are crappy, hang in there, do your best, and expect that your breakthru is coming and things are going to change.  You have everything you need to be great, right where you are.

Lastly, my #4 would be, remember the constancy of God’s love.  You are not alone.

“Never will I leave you;
    never will I forsake you.”
Hebrews 13:5b

Birthday blessing

/ Chuck Spicka

We have a birthday tradition in my family, learned from former small group leaders Betsy and Jim Michalik.  We look for the best in one another, and call it out.

Whoever’s birthday it is (today, it’s my youngest daughter’s), the rest of us consider the way we’ve seen them grow in the past year, their character and gifting, where we see strength, hopes for their coming year — and we just speak this blessing out over them.

Having been on the receiving end of this, I can tell you its amazing.  To have the people you love affirm you and cheer you on, one after another, just blows you up.  This is a gift worth giving to the people that matter in your life.

Betsy, Jim – thanks for teaching this to me.

 

Snow days

/ Chuck Spicka

Snow days don’t mean we stop anymore.  What it does mean is:

  1. You can work from home & most likely be way more productive than you’d be at the office
  2. You can slow down on a phone call, really listen to a co-worker or customer, relax and laugh a little, see how they’re doing
  3. You can take 15 minutes and go play in the snow with your kids.  These days pass quickly.
  4. You can come back in and work by the fireplace
  5. You can step outside your front door this evening, take a deep breath, and listen to how quiet your world is in the snow.  It’s all good.

Trust and Dependence

/ Chuck Spicka

When I think about following after God, it strikes me that trusting him and dependence on him are acts of my will which are strengthened by using them.  I have come to count on the goodness of God.  Saying that I believe that he is good is one thing.  Coupling action with my faith can lead to much better results.

Let’s consider the starting point.  First and foremost I believe we can know where we stand with God.  Christ in you, Christ in me, is the hope of glory (cf. Colossians 1:27) creating open communication between us, you and him, him and me, creating intimacy, companionship, fellowship, and connection. Lean your head back and shout, I am his. He is worthy and beautiful and good and strong. My affection is for him and I can bank on his affections towards me. I belong to my lover and his desire is for me. (Songs 7:10).

When I live from fear, losing my trust in him, giving up my level of dependence and taking back control, I am not living from the wholeness and trust that has been given to me on account of my faith. Sure, I remain his, this is no longer a question. But I function from my own strength and my own ability to operate and therefore limit what is possible.  So when I sense fear, when I recognize the drift in my soul, I’m working on choosing him again, choosing to trust and depend that he can only do good.

What if you didn’t?

/ Chuck Spicka

Here we are mid-January.  How you doing on the new you?

I’ve noticed over the years that people don’t talk about resolutions anymore.  You hear comments like, “New Year’s Resolutions don’t work” and these people are right.  I got so negative about it a few years ago that I was on this mantra (which made Jana crazy!) that people don’t change, what you see is what you get.  As in past performance may not be an indicator of future financial results, but it was a pretty darn good indicator of what you’d be getting from another person.

This is hitting home for me right now, cause I set the stage that this-would-be-the-year-that-I-would blog everyday (after trying to get this blog off the ground for about 7 years).  I even warmed up for a day or two in 2017.  Made it a week in 2018, and then nothing.  So, if this is going on for you in whatever your “goal” (don’t say resolution) area is — food, alcohol, sex, health, fitness, money — what do you do now if you didn’t keep your promise to yourself?  What if you broke your streak?

Here’s a couple ideas that I’m pulling on:

  1. The choices I made about me were good ones.  The view I have of what I want to change, the me that I wish to be, the new skill or habit that I want to develop, the contribution that I want to make, the old habit I’m going to shake — I was on the right track when I made that choice.  I’m just not going to bail now because I failed to do it in exactly the way that I’d hoped I’d do it.
  2. I’m going to get back in motion, with small steps.  Inertia is a powerful thing.  I’m not going to let it work against me.  I’m going to keep it simple, and today I just said, I’m going to write one blog and grab any idea that comes to me for a future blog and put it on a list.  So, work out today for 20 minutes today, have a salad instead of a cheeseburger, say “yes” or “no” just for today in the appropriate context for your commitment to you.
  3. I’m not going to try to do this alone.  Frankly, I hadn’t told anyone that I wanted to do this write everyday thing.  So, this week, I owned it with a friend how stupid I felt about not keeping my streak alive, and then today I told Jana about it.  They both believe in me.  You got people that believe in you?  Can you let someone into your world?  [We’ll talk another day about accountability — I’m not asking that they take you to task on whether you kept the commitment.  Just that you have someone who sees the good in you and can say “yes” and cheer you on.]

Go do the next right thing.  Pick yourself up and dust yourself off.  You’re fine, the year’s not a waste, and there are no awards anymore for perfect attendance.  Clean slate.  Let’s get started.