I was having lunch the other day with a friend who’s recently turned fifty.  He was reflecting on his career strategy to this point, and had concerns about how he positioned himself for success over the long haul.  He’s an introvert like me, more task than people oriented, so I suggested that he connect with a mentor in his field to ask for coaching.  I then prattled off a few more things for him to do, and as I left the meeting, I thought, “am I doing any of these things myself?”

Here is some advice I give other people that I want to put into practice:

Network – set a simple goal to have lunch with one person a month, with a heart to truly get to know them better, to learn their story, and see if you can help or encourage them.  Be real about what you’re working on, and where you need help too.  Just don’t make it all about you.

Have a mentor – do you have anyone in your life that’s a little farther down the road than you, offering you perspective on the choices and the challenges you’re facing?

Keep LinkedIn up to date – make some connections, write some recommendations for other people, re-write some of the stuff that’s stale in your profile.  Make it a goal to improve this over the next year.

Meet new people – are you always (and maybe only) talking to the same three people in your life?  Ask the people you’re having lunch with once a month to suggest new contacts they think you should meet.  Take a risk, and contact people known in your field.

Be learning new skills – can you get better at what you do?  Are you investing in yourself?  Is there a certification that would be meaningful?

Take new challenges – say “yes” to assignments that are outside your comfort zone.  It will probably give you a chance to meet some new people at your work, and give you a better understanding of the challenges your business faces.  Put your creativity to work and stretch yourself.

Learn how to be efficient, use a system like GTD – are you walking in integrity and doing all the things you say you’ll do?  Are you clear about what you want to say Yes to and therefore what you’ll need to say No to?  Can you keep your head clear and be present with people, because you know what’s coming next and you have a solid plan?  Invest in David Allen’s book Getting Things Done (the revised 2015 one) and shape his system to your own world.  He also has a great podcast.

I’m not sure our culture has cultivated the ability for each of us to own our own stuff and admit when we are wrong.  This manifests itself in our inability to apologize – we are much more likely to explain away our actions, or justify them in an attempt to make ourselves look better.  

I thought it might be helpful to knock out a few quick reminders, if you find that you’d like to get better at walking in authenticity with your friends and peers, and you’d like to keep short accounts.

– Start with your own heart.  Can I own my own stuff?  What am I responsible for. What did I do?

– Own it with the other person. Don’t explain or justify.

– Don’t say “I’m sorry if I offended you.” That’s just BS.  You know you offended them.  You know your actions were wrong.  Keep it simple.  Say I’m sorry.

– State exactly what you did.  And then, as best you can, articulate what you believe the other person felt while walking through the hurt you brought their way.  Check in and see if you hit the target, and if not, ask for clarification for the harm that was done and how they feel.

– To restore the relationship, communicate how you feel about how they must’ve felt.  But not in a shaming, self-effacing way.  More like, “I care about you and I see that this is not the kind of friend that I want to be.”

– Ask for their forgiveness.  Straight up.  Again, keep it simple.

And that’s really all there is to it.

You may ask, but what if they did something wrong to me to? Great. Let it go. Model what it means to own your stuff and set the pace for reconciliation in the relationship. If they come back to you, that will be a bonus, trust and safety will be increased, and you’re both on a good path.  If not, then you can live free knowing that you’re a person of integrity, without trying to get a gold star for it.

PS: thanks to Lori and Barry Byrne for helping to make this clear to me at their Love After Marriage conference.

A friend who’s not in sales asked me recently, “how do you make a great first impression, or how can I improve my small talk/schmoozing skills?”  

Jana and I were both in this conversation via text, and Jana reminded our friend that she already knew how to do this.  She loves people.  She knows how to ask genuine questions.  She’s a great listener and knows how to respond.  

You don’t need a book.  It’s all in there; your life is rooted in a love for other people.   

Beyond this love for others, here are a few simple ideas. 

People love to talk about themselves.  So ask a lot of questions. 

Be present with them, and really listen.  No one ever does that for them.  It’s easy to come up with questions if you focus on what’s being said, and clear your mind of distractions like where’re you wish you were at that moment, or what you’d rather be doing.  And there are always a few questions that fit any situation, like: “Tell me more,” can you clarify?” and “how did that feel?”

People feel as awkward as you do when they are first meeting people, and they wish they were somewhere else too when they’re in a new social situation.  

As we were having this discussion, a question came up about how to stay current in world events, how to be relevant.  Is it still just a matter of letting someone talk and not trying to impress someone?  It’s a great point.  Don’t worry too much about current events.  Everything I need to know I generally hear about, and if not, I humble myself and ask about it.  I read a daily news bulletin (about twice a week).  I’m more concerned about working on my own passions and not concerned about being someone that I’m not.  Authenticity matters more than trying to be smart or look a certain way for people.

The worst place for this for me is men and sports like the NFL or basketball.  I could just care less.  If I’m in a crowd, I just let people go do it, nod my head, laugh, and say things like “Really?   That’s incredible.  Where did he play college ball, I don’t remember?”  Meanwhile, I love soccer.  So I enjoy that and though I rarely get to talk to another soccer fan, I refuse to do the work to care about the NFL just so I can try to fit in. 

Jana reminded her that we can’t allow a world system to define our kingdom position.  For our friend, raising children and being at home is not a lesser profession, though that was at the root of some of her concern.  She is shaping the legacy of our country.  She knows how to love others, how to see the good and the God in them, and how to strengthen them.  Same for you.  God knows who you are, and is crazy about you.  Be comfortable with his other kids, focus on them and not yourself, and you’ll do just fine.

Many are familiar with this passage from I John 4, that there is no fear in love, and that perfect love casts out fear.  The two can’t co-exist.  The trouble is, I can know this in my head, but I have to get this to the place where I operate from this place all the time.  In my relationships, I want to always be coming from a place of love, and if I sense in me a need to control the other person, or that I’m afraid, or that my will is being thwarted, I can pretty much tell that I am not operating from love.  Love is looking for connection.  Love is allowing the other person to control themselves, as I control myself.  Love is willing to hear no as well as yes.  Jana has some great teaching about this you might want to check out.

I’m noticing that this is coming at me from many directions right now, that is, I John 4 keeps showing up for me.  So I figure Jesus has some things he wants me to learn, and beyond that, He’s driving change in me that starts with what I truly believe, but ends up manifesting real life in my behavior.  How I act, what I do, tells so much about what I truly believe, doesn’t it?

A big piece of this for me has been some incredible teaching from Danny Silk.  His book Loving Our Kids On Purpose rocked my world when I read it at the beach recently.  It challenges the idea that we can intimidate our kids into obedience, and suggests instead that we are really trying to cultivate freedom.  We want our kids to be able to choose, and to learn from the consequences of their choices while they are still in a safe place with us.  I’m now listening to the audio series.  I wish I had run into this material about 15 years ago before having kids.  I see so many things that I did wrong with Salem especially, and also Charis.  But the cool thing is, Jesus has brought this to me now, and I can make changes from here going forward.  As Graham Cook would say, we are present-future.

My friend Steve Hall has also impacted my thinking about this.  Steve would say that fear has no place whatsoever in a believer’s life, since our Daddy has absolutely everything we’d ever need, and has all things under His control.  The whole journey is about trusting Him, going back to Him, and the things that might create fear are really invitations and reminders to connect with Him again, to open up in relationship.  Steve also has incredible things to say about the unfair competitive advantage that we’ve been given with a redeemend mind, but I’ll have to write about that another time.

For now, it’s enough to say, I want to walk in love.  My kids have been gone this week, so this will be a chance for a new start.  Jeremy Caris said Wednesday that amazing things had been going on at camp & I can’t wait to hear about it from both of them.  Jana and I have had a great week together, but we’ve missed them.  I’m looking forward to the change that Holy Spirit is bringing to my family as we learn to walk out love with one another, to promote identity in Christ, to promote freedom (it was for freedom Christ set us free) and to bring the revolution of the kingdom among us.

Late last year (end of 2011) both Jana and I heard God telling us that it was time to re-order our lives. For me that translated to how I was handling work, the attention it was getting, the amount of stress I was carrying, and that I was so out of balance in the rest of my life: my marriage, my kids, my health, my friendships. I believe I stayed close to Jesus during the season – I would never have survived it without him – but I knew things needed to change. Then the new year came (2012) and frankly, little changed.

So hear we are, half way through the year. I think it’s a matter of intention for me, of execution on the commitments that I have made to myself. I love the Lord, and I want to express that with my heart, soul, mind and strength. As Dallas Willard would say, I want to intentionally obey the commands of Jesus (but that’s probably another blog).

I want to get in shape. I want to lose some weight.

I want to pursue Jana as second nature, as just something that I do because I’m crazy about her.

I want to love my kids well, to not shout at them or exasperate them, but rather, give them tons of freedom and the ability to choose, so they can learn how to walk this life out from the safety of my house for now.

I want to work whole-heartedly at my job, and stay put, serving my customers well and honoring my employer, with an expectation that God will always provide for me like he has always done.  I don’t want to ask the question “should I be here?” anymore, but rather  always ask the question “how do I win here?” or “what must I do to be successful”.

I remember a friend talking about a 30 day challenge a few years ago.  He would take thirty days and would focus on three behaviors he wanted to drop and replace those three behaviors with something new.  If I did that, what would be on my list?  What simple things could I do to insure that this re-ordering of my life continues?

30 Day challenge

Stop:
– over eating at meals, compulsive snacking between meals
– no ice cream, sweets, or other crap this period
– drinking coffee in the evening cause I don’t sleep well if I do
Start:
– doing min 20 minute work out, every day
– drinking lots more water
– using a smaller plate, cutting portions in half, setting my fork down between bites

I bet I could do that exercise for every part of my life, since I realize that this was just for working out.  If I had to do that for my relationship with Jana, what would that look like?

Stop:
– complaining or grumbling when I talk to her; always talk about opportunities and solutions
– getting plugged in by mis reading a comment she makes
– racing back for approval
Start:
– intentionally pursuing her, asking her out, re-establish date night
– re-start feelings and affirmations exercise
– give her my whole attention when I’m with her, really listen, ask a ton of questions

Maybe tomorrow or later today I can think about the rest of this list and work these out by each area.  I don’t want to work from some sort of legalism.  I want this transformation to be worked out in my soul and body as who I am.  I recognize it’s going to take some effort.  I don’t want to craft some huge plan and then not execute on it.  I want to keep it simple, and just re-order.

You are my strength, I sing praise to you;
you, God, are my fortress,
my God on whom I can rely.

Psalm 59:17

Over the last month, I’ve seen God move in an amazing way to bring me out of my job at AT&T and place me at Claris Networks.  The last two years have been a trial by fire.  I am glad to be out.  I spent a lot of time grumbling and complaining, and yet He is so faithful.  Even when I am not faithful, He is faithful.

Jana has been teaching that love and fear cannot co-exist.  One drives out the other.  I can walk in love, and He will cast out fear.  When I permit fear in my life, it manifests in control, coping, relational problems, anxiety, worry, and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of doom.  When I rest in love, perfect love, I am reminded of the goodness and the kindness of God.  And his goodness just keeps drawing me back into him, and he can sing over me to remind me of who I really am, a well-loved son.  He is going to get me there.  It’s not over.  Whatever I face is no big deal to him.

So thank you God for moving me to Claris.  Thank you for the lessons learned at AT&T.  It’s a great company; it just wasn’t for me.  You showed me so much grace there.  Thank you for providing for my family, like you’ve always done.  I love you Lord.

Psalm 40:7-8 (ESV) says, “Behold, I have come; in the scroll of the book it is written of me: I delight to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart.”

I’ve always thought that was one of those cool messianic predictions of Jesus.  But look at it again.  Is it reasonable to think that God could have predicted your arrival?  Is it reasonable to think that he knew enough about you to place a new heart within you, a heart that would want to love him?  Could that love and affection over time translate into a willingness to walk with him and do his will?  Did he think enough of you to trust that, given a choice, you could follow him?  I think he did all those things, and much, much more, and that his overwhelming mindset toward you is affection and delight.  In fact, he’s so crazy about you, that thousands of years ago he took the time to predict your arrival.

Behold, it is written about you in the scroll.

How does how he thinks about you change the way you might want to think about yourself?

The last couple of weeks I’ve been sitting under teaching from Jeremy Caris at Abiding Glory here in Knoxville.  Jeremy’s been talking about how we can intentionally learn to listen for God’s voice, and then make use of this listening to strengthen and build into each other in love.

I’ve had the sense that I was hearing from God, and I’m passionate about the fact that all of us as believers hear from Him all the time, we just aren’t always expectant that this is the truth, or we aren’t looking for Him or really listening for Him.  At the same time, I have never had the experience of really hearing something specific for someone else, and I have been very skeptical of the abuse that I’ve seen around someone saying, “God told me this for you,” (when that’s sometimes been coming from a place of selfishness or a person’s desire to control another person).

So, last Wednesday night, Jeremy gave some teaching about how to practically ask God for insight, as he moved from the theology around the prophetic, to application in our day to day lives.  Thursday night, Jana and I had some friends over for a birthday party.  As everyone was leaving, we asked Beth to stick around so we could pray for her.  Jana started praying, and I remembered something Jeremy said.  Sometimes it’s helpful to just ask God, “give me one of the thoughts you have for this person” based on Psalm 139:17-18.  So I asked God that.

And then something crazy happened, that’s never happened for me.  As I was looking for God to speak to me for Beth, I saw a picture of a plate.  Well, wait, it’s not a plate, cause I see coffee on it, so it must be a saucer.  And then I saw a clown’s face, not a weird clown, but a pretty happy clown.  And that was it.  Hmm.  What in the world does that mean?

Jeremy had said, if you don’t understand, you might need to just talk it out, and to ask some questions.  So I asked Beth – “are you drinking a lot of caffeine?  Does a clown mean anything to you?”  We didn’t get very far, and I admit I was a little confused by it.

Then, next morning, half awake, God reminded me, “what was the question you asked me when you started praying for Beth?”  Oh that’s right, I asked you to give me one of your thoughts for her.  At that point, he showed me that a saucer generally goes with a cup, but that the cup was missing.  And the clown face, could that represent joy and rejoicing?  I believe at that point that God had given me revelation for Beth.  So I called her up and said, Beth – I think this is what God was showing me for you, that joy is missing for you right now in your walk, and that you may want to lean into that and go after the joy that He really has for you.

So – what’s this look like in your own walk?  Are you open to asking God for one of his thoughts about you, or about one of his thoughts for someone you’re praying for?  Do you have the expectancy that a conversational relationship could be a reality for you?  You may need to take some risks.  You may make some mistakes.  But as you move into it, I feel pretty confident that he’ll guide you into truth.  He said he would, and he’s pretty good at keeping his word.

Our great, great, great, great …. great grandfather Adam taught us well.  When God comes looking for him after the fall, asking him what happened, instead of answering God’s question, the man says, “the woman you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” (Gen 3:12)  And we’ve been blaming her every since.  If only she were more submissive, if only she were more agreeable, if only she wanted to have sex more often, if only she wasn’t so strong willed, if only she didn’t do this or that or whatever.

But check out verse 6 – the woman saw that the fruit was desirable, and she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.  (Thanks to Larry Crabb for that insight; it’s where I first heard it).  The man was the one responsible, and that’s as true for us now, regardless of the circumstances.

I can spend all my time blaming my wife, or I can take 100% responsibility for my life, my actions, my relationships.  If I’m going to see change in my life, it can start with me owning my stuff.  Blaming my wife is not going to help me get there.  Instead, how about I be the one to initiate resolution when she and I have conflict, that I be the pursuer in the relationship, as I learn to love her in the same way Jesus loves me?