Scrubbing the floor

The second weekend of the 18 days, Jana headed out of town with the girls. I decided to do a little work at the house. A friend challenged me, “Don’t do a bunch of work around the house to impress her, if your heart is not in it.” He nailed me. My heart wasn’t in it. I just wanted to serve her to win points for myself.

One of the jobs I picked was to clean the grout on our kitchen floor. I took a pass at it, with high powered chemical and a broom, no change on the first go. Cleaned it a second time, it looked slightly better. “Well, I tried,” and throwing in the towel, decided to clean up the tools in the sink. I dropped a brush, and as I bent down to pick it up, I slipped on the still wet floor. The brush wiped one section of the grout clean. Now there was one clean line of grout in a sea of grey. “Crap,” I said out loud (actually, probably a different word, starting with an “f”) as I realized I would now have to get down on my hands and knees and clean the whole thing to have it match this new clean line.

Lesson Three is something like this – I had an opportunity to break free, to abandon the porn addiction, and do something about myself and my relationship, to save my marriage. But I didn’t really want to do the work. Laziness and procrastination had plagued my marriage. Porn offered quick and easy answers. I was one of the guys looking to get well who was also looking for it to be easy. I had all the tools, just like when I was cleaning the floor, but I had to actually do the work. Getting down on my hands and knees, humbling myself, was a big part of me getting well. This is where God could really speak. This is where he could begin to sing over me and I could actually hear it. That night as I was working, I heard John Mayer’s In Repair and I realized I was ready to get started.

In Repair

Too many shadows in my room
Too many hours in this midnight
Too many corners in my mind
So much to do to set my heart right

Oh, it’s taken so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
Oh, but if I take my heart’s advice
I should assume it’s still unsteady
I am in repair
I am in repair

Stood on the corner for a while
To wait for the wind to blow down on me
Hoping it takes with it my old ways
And brings some brand new luck upon me

And now I’m walking in the park
And all of the birds, they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me

I’m never really ready, yeah
I’m in repair
I’m not together, but I’m getting there