You’ll hear various voices talk about whether or not a man should talk to his wife about acting out when he’s on the road to recovery. Many of these voices argue that it’s in a wife’s best interest to not know too much or be burdened with the journey that her husband is still on, and that it’s wiser and better for all if he just shares this with male confidants. I don’t agree.

Here’s a response I sent to a guy who’s been in recovery for a while, who had some news I thought he needed to share with his wife, while two other men he knows (and I respect) thought he should keep silent:

“One thing we didn’t talk about: I’ve been evaluating what I think about men talking to their wives when they act out, regardless of where they are in recovery. I think it’s important in my life that I have nothing hidden, no secrets, no place where the enemy might break in and mess with me.

“It was the right call to not tell [your wife] the minute she walked in the door from [a serious medical situation in her natural family]. But at this point, I think you probably need to talk to her, and let her know that you talked to me and [a life coach/counselor] as well.

“Flip this around. What if a wife had a problem with spending and she talked to her girlfriends and her girlfriends told her that ‘you don’t need to talk to your husband about your last binge because he’s just had too much of this anyway and he will not be able to handle it from you and really you’re doing a great job, babe, everything’s fine.’ It would be a totally different process if in any area our wives were not completely honest with us. How would we feel about that?

“And listen. I know that you’re getting good counsel from lots of other people. So I’m cool with whatever you decide. I just recognize for me this has to be my process.

“To sum up, maybe don’t talk about it in the moment, but for sure talk about it because the goal is oneness and that means nothing hidden.”