I’m not sure our culture has cultivated the ability for each of us to own our own stuff and admit when we are wrong.  This manifests itself in our inability to apologize – we are much more likely to explain away our actions, or justify them in an attempt to make ourselves look better.  

I thought it might be helpful to knock out a few quick reminders, if you find that you’d like to get better at walking in authenticity with your friends and peers, and you’d like to keep short accounts.

– Start with your own heart.  Can I own my own stuff?  What am I responsible for. What did I do?

– Own it with the other person. Don’t explain or justify.

– Don’t say “I’m sorry if I offended you.” That’s just BS.  You know you offended them.  You know your actions were wrong.  Keep it simple.  Say I’m sorry.

– State exactly what you did.  And then, as best you can, articulate what you believe the other person felt while walking through the hurt you brought their way.  Check in and see if you hit the target, and if not, ask for clarification for the harm that was done and how they feel.

– To restore the relationship, communicate how you feel about how they must’ve felt.  But not in a shaming, self-effacing way.  More like, “I care about you and I see that this is not the kind of friend that I want to be.”

– Ask for their forgiveness.  Straight up.  Again, keep it simple.

And that’s really all there is to it.

You may ask, but what if they did something wrong to me to? Great. Let it go. Model what it means to own your stuff and set the pace for reconciliation in the relationship. If they come back to you, that will be a bonus, trust and safety will be increased, and you’re both on a good path.  If not, then you can live free knowing that you’re a person of integrity, without trying to get a gold star for it.

PS: thanks to Lori and Barry Byrne for helping to make this clear to me at their Love After Marriage conference.